Life has taken a weird turn for me at the beginning of May and what we thought was late PPD due to weaning my 2 year old actually turned out to be my emotional dam breaking from years... and I’m talking YEARS of suppressed feelings, worries and emotions.
Buckle up friends, it is a crazy ride and I am ready to share it with you...
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Back story:
4.5 years ago I gave birth to our first son, Westin. I was not in a good mental state, we were just married a year and some, we weren't ready for a baby, we partied every weekend prior to pregnancy, I ate like shit... and so my lifestyle then was hella dif than my lifestyle now and because of Westin, I turned my life around for the better. I started working on my fitness at first because I didn't realize mental health played any part of your over all well being . I just assumed workout workout workout and all your problems will be solved... #Naivetwentyfouryearold. I started to get busy with sharing my journey with others and then coaching them to turn their lives around to and soon I felt a deep passion and fire within me to serve those around me. Which resulted in me taking my Personal Training course and Fitness Nutrition course because, dang man, I can not get enough of the science behind how everything works.
For the last year my husband and I have been trying to have another baby but because I was breastfeeding my hormones were whack and I was just one of the lucky people who breastfeeding affects the ability to conceive hence why I weaned in the first place. I am, however, huge into believing that God has a bigger plan for us and everything we go through really helps us GROW and get to where we are meant to be. We have now stopped trying so that we can figure out how to control and live with my anxiety and my high emotions which have been suppressed for 20 years...
Yesterday while talking with my psychologist, she explained to me what she feels was happening and why anxiety actually happens. Humans are wired that way from cave man days and the neuroscience behind it is fascinating because I’m a nerd like that but it’s also crazy. I’m not gonna get into it hard core but here’s a crash course on neuroscience and anxiety they way my psychologist explained to me:
Our PFC (Prefrontal Cortex) is where all our decision making & rational thinking, consequences for actions etc happens and it doesn’t actually get fully developed until ages 25-28(WHAT?!) and sometimes even later in males meaning up until then we run on high emotions and don’t really have a sense of good vs bad or right vs wrong or consequences for our actions (this made MEGA sense to me when I looked back on my life. How bout you?)
Then we have the limbic brain.This is where all the emotional thinking and reactions stem from. The limbic cortex integrates the sensory, affective, and cognitive components of pain and processes information regarding the internal bodily state.
When explaining it to me she used running into a bear analogy.
Imagine this: hiking in the mountains and out of the corner of your eye you see a dark shadow. Immediately you might think bear but then the rational part of your brain shuts down and the emotions in the limbic system take over producing cortisol and adrenaline and your heart starts racing, hands get clamy, your large muscle groups get all your blood and you will either stand still, run or fight ( this is your flight or fight system) so any threat whether psychological or physical will trigger the same response. Hence anxiety isn’t meant to make your life shitty it is meant to protect you. I didn't know this prior to yesterday and it felt like a game changer for me.
We are meant to survive in a tribe so if something we feel is threatening that (whether its real or hypothetical) creates these same triggers and BAM ANXIETY.
I recently had this with my husband because of past emotional trauma, the fact that I had trouble talking about my emotions for fear of being to "sensitive and emotional", and I honestly felt threatened in my marriage.
Was I? I don't know.. It felt real and it felt like I seen a bear but I think it was blown way out of proportion on my end and I do feel bad but it made all of this come to light and honestly if this didn't happen, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with anxiety, I wouldn't of found my voice, I wouldn't truly be able to work through all the painful shit that keeps coming into the light. As shitty as it was for both Nick and I, like y'all I feel he has been pushed so far out of his comfort zone as well, it is helping us work out the kinks and bumps we mostly likely would never work on because its not fun but it is necessary to become the best team<3
I realized since high school I have just been filling my life so busy that it never gave me time to feel much until I started this journey of self awareness that forced me to truly look inward and friends... **WARNING** THAT SHIT IS SCARY AF. Once you through hormones in there from weaning my two year old, well game over man.
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When my emotional dam broke it took on the form of anger, guilt, shame, blame, fear of my husband not loving me anymore, fear of abandonment, self loathing, a crazy inner mean girl, creating threats in my head that weren’t really logical or made sense, uncontrollable crying for days, untrusting, and a constant state of anxiety. I felt SO crazy, so alone, like no one understood me, that I was broken. I had the worst thoughts and at one point during this state I told my husband maybe it would just be best if I left.
Looking back into those moments I cringe and wonder why the hell would I say such a thing? I now know, it is because my limbic brain took over and threw me into this state of irrational thinking and running on my emotions alone. Right now, while sharing this with the world it's causing some sweaty palms and tears welling up because up until my appt yesterday I had SO much guilt and even shame that I could ever feel and say those things. I felt like I was broken like I would never be able to trust my husband and that this on going loop would keep playing in my head making my anxiety spike everyday, 5x a day or more (and to be clear, it is not his fault at all by the way, I just have this deep rooted fear of abandonment that is taking on the form of not being able to trust anyone really and I have a complicated love language that makes him feel he is speaking a foreign language. ) He isn't a quitter though thank God and although thats what I used to do to avoid the hard conversations and the fears that went along with it, we shared vows and made a commitment to each other before God for better or worse and I just can't walk away from this one. He truly has my heart and though figuring each other out is hard it is 100% worth the struggle <3
So friends, that is what has been going on in my brain/life since May 12. I can tell you the EXACT minute that dam broke but I am thankful it did.
I was recently told that marriage and anxiety go hand in hand. You really can't have one without the other. It made me think. Since we got married I threw myself into my work and then used my kids as excuses and then serving others as an excuse. I didn't want to think of "what if" because honestly we can lose our significant other at any moment or things could change on a dime and that is scary. Most people just stay busy so they don't ever show their anxiety or for the males it would most likely look like fear of not being able to provide for their families.
Think about it! What do you usually say when someone asks you how you are? "Oh, things are good just so busy! You?"
It is like we have created this sense of accomplishment around a busy lifestyle when in reality we are all just scared of change, facing our own shit, or what might happen if we just slow the frick down. And ya, slowing down had a HUGE impact on my life but it is for the best. I finally am feeling like little compartments are opening in my brain and allowing me to understand why I am the way I am, why I feel the way I do and why I love the way I love.
I am no longer FUSED with my anxiety. She does not define me. In fact, she has her own name; Rita. Rita is just trying to protect me and keep me safe. When I feel her I place her over where I can see her. that way I can assess if she is really trying to protect me or if she is playing games on me. This was a challenge from my psychologist. To name my anxiety and it has been helping.
Not everything is going to go back to normal asap, hell, do I even have a normal anymore or will I be creating a 'new' norm? Either way, I know I am not alone and I wanted to share this with you so you know you aren't alone either. Our emotions can turn on a dime. Example. I workout and felt awesome and literally as soon as I changed and got downstairs it was instant questions and my anxiety welled up. Its going to take time.
Asking for help and actually admitting that something is wrong is not the hardest part but it IS the first step. Breaking that emotional dam and then now having to revisit all the past trauma and shit that I have gone through and locked away, is the single most hardest thing I am faced with in my last 28 years and 356 days and friends, suprisingly there is lots of shit that is showing its ugly head that I never thought could impact me the way it has. I never ever thought I needed a therapist, that I could work through it on my own.
That was a BIG ASS lie I was telling myself just so I didn't have to feel this shitty going through it all with another human being because locked away in my head its like it never happened but once someone else knows its real and embarrassing and scary AF but breaking through that brings forgiveness, grace, faith, trust, hope and love and it is all worth it.
To the wife who is struggling with feeling loved: remember men and women are different. It is a struggle but it is a struggle worth fighting for and seeking guidance if need be. Don't fight it alone and don't give up. He loves you and is doing the best he can with the tools he has <3
To the mom who is overcome with mom guilt: You are def not alone but remember you can't pour from an empty cup. Be sure to ask for help when you feel you are too overwhelmed. You can't be the mom you want to be when you are overwhelmed <3
To the girl who is struggling with shame and past trauma but not sure how to handle it: You WILL get through this. Seek guidance. Looking for a therapist/counsellor does not make you weak. It makes you IN CONTROL of your life. So work through that shit girlfriend and find the support you need to do so. <3
If you have no desire to learn about your struggles, why you have them, underlying issues that may be causing your depression or anxiety then by all means just carry on the way your are going but if you are ready to not let the anxiety define you then don't give it the power. You OWN it and DO the damn work to add tools to your tool belt to learn how to live with it the best you can. That is how we can get through this girlfriend.
You with me?
Join my free wellness community over on FB for support and guidance.
Let's do this damn thing together
xo Kristie
